On Luck

Luck is strange. Some seem to have it all, others struggle to find any. I used to think I was one of the lucky ones, and I was. I had everything: a loving wife, a growing family, and a fulfilling career. I felt blessed and grateful for all of it.

Then everything changed. As most know by now, my soulmate and love of my life, died - way before her time. She left me with our child, who was too young to understand what had happened.

Yep, secrets out, I'm mom to an amazing, sweet little boy. He was birthed by Shelyn, about a year before she was diagnosed with cancer. I promise I’ll tell you more about him someday.

When Shelyn later died after her agonizing and drawn-out cancer battle, I was distraught and heartbroken. I lost a core part of my soul. How could this happen? How could I go from being so blessed and lucky to so terribly cursed and unlucky? Fate, karma, or random chance? I didn't know what to believe. I was bitter and hopeless. I lost my faith at times.

I tried to cope with my grief, but it was hard. I had to take care of my child, who needed me more than ever. I had to keep working, even though I had no motivation or inspiration. I had to pretend that everything was okay, even though it wasn't. I was living a lie.

21 months have since passed, and I don't know if I will ever feel lucky again. But maybe luck isn’t something that you have or don't. Maybe it’s a construct in our minds that we use to make sense of this rollercoaster of joy, pain, and chaos that we all face in our lives.

Regardless, yeah I don't know if I’ll feel lucky again. But I know that I still have things that are worth living for: my child, my family, my music, my art, and a spark of hope that I can make an impact. These are reminders of the feeling of luck that I once had, and the optimism for the future that I might have again.

And maybe one day, I'll fully appreciate the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow, the love and the loss. And maybe not see them as lucky or unlucky. It’s life. I’m getting there. I know these are things we all face in the stories of our lives. Heads up though, I may keep being envious of those couples celebrating big anniversaries.