Her peace of mind can’t stay inside the lines

𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒚 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔
𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒔𝒐 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒇𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒅𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒉𝒆'𝒔 𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈

I feel the need to express my sadness today. I don't really have a whole lot of interesting insights to share about it, other than it is most certainly related to the upcoming anniversary of my marriage. It would have been a significant milestone.

I remember our last anniversary together. It was so beautiful, and heartbreaking. It was hard to deny the fate that was coming soon for Shelyn. But we celebrated anyway, as if we had many beautiful years to come.

I tended to live in denial about her situation. So, of course my hopefulness remained strong all the way up until the end. I think Shelyn had already reached a point where her hopes had been dashed too many times, so... she had given up on hope.

Since her death, I try to find hope in life. Often there are reasons to cling to something and rebuild a hopeful outlook. Yet I'm not there. Don’t get me wrong – I am here for my son, and he is my life. I love him completely, and he is the reason I keep going.

But would she be proud of what I'm doing? Or ashamed? Am I on the right path to impact the world in the right way?

I miss so much about her. I miss her parenting. I think I'm a good mom. She was a great mom. To watch her mother him, well I fell in love all over again. Yes it sucks that he won't get to know her like I did. Don't worry, we still talk about her all the time.

I miss her smile, her laugh, her interest in boring TV shows. I miss her voice. Her snuggles, her kisses, her smell, her taste, her touch.

I miss observing her warm demeanor toward pretty much everyone. And watching her change lives through her kindness, and putting other’s needs before her own.

I try to be like her as much as I can - in a way that is still me. She inspired/inspires me to be better. She gave me courage, she showed me a way of kindness and compassion. My head was/is usually in the clouds. She could bring me back to reality in the most loving and gentle ways.

Am I still on the right path, Shelyn? Hit me up, Chick, I could sure use your advice.