Retrograde turbulence apologenia

I’m sorry, my love. I failed you.

I’m sorry, my love. I feel like I could have done better. Realizing you must have cancer. Looking back it was obvious. How could I let this happen to you?

I’m sorry, my love. I could have done more to find the best treatment for you. The data was there. I'm sorry I didn't get you to the trials that are now saving lives.

I’m sorry, my love. My failings are deep and vast.

I’m sorry, my love. In the wee hours. When your pain was too much. And the loneliness crept in on you mercilessly. I'm sorry. I was there, and then I was not. And you were alone.

I’m sorry, my love. When your doctor said you were dying. And I was there, but it was as if I was not. You needed me present. And my mind was lost in despair, desperately trying to understand this hellish reality.

I’m sorry, my love. I might have failed you.

I’m sorry, my love. In the days nearing your death, I should have soaked in every minute. Laid down with you, hug you, kiss you, and fall asleep with you. Instead, I was in an ever present state of exhausted gut gnawing sorrow. Finding busy work to distract me from the impending truth.

I’m sorry, my love. After you died, I know you wanted me to carry on in strength for myself, and for our son. I'm sorry, it's harder than I could have ever imagined.

I’m sorry, my love. I must have failed you. Right?

I’m sorry, my love. I don't think I'll ever be over you. You'll always be with me. I'm my heart, in my mind. But I won't regret this. Our boy needs to know how amazing you were, and we won't stop talking about you every chance we can. Happiness and remembrance will coexist.

I’m sorry, my love. I know I do some crazy things. But you know my head was always in the clouds. Now it's stuck there, looking for you. Maybe I will find something in the midst of this search.

I’m sorry, my love. I won't stop failing. But I will keep learning.